STEP 5

Admitting to God, to ourselves and another human beings the exact nature of wrongs.

I was very nervous after I had written my resentments, guilt’s, fears and sexual conduct.  I arranged a time and I went to my sponsors house, and I shared with him over a few sessions, my moral inventory, not a life story but a moral inventory. In other words all the stuff that made me feel dis-eased!  It was painful, at times I felt I was going to burst out crying and run away!

But my courage held me together.  Courage as a soldier, I saw bravery, people being involved in violence after the event, there was no reaction just, “Well, I did my job”.  Courage is going into a situation with the heart racing, the mouth dry, the sweat and a new panic experience, but still doing it.  Well, I did it and today I am glad, it was like getting rid of a Cancer!  Cancer of the emotions, caused by resentment, guilt and fear.

My sponsor gave me a lot of feedback and never once criticized.  He kept saying “you too?” What that meant was, he had done a lot of the things I had done! When I finished he said to me, “Well, Billy, everything you shared I have heard before, you shared nothing I have not heard before from my other sponsees” 

It was a burden carrying all the resentment, guilt and fear.  Dave was my sponsor, but I know people who have used Priests, Rabbi’s, Mullah’s, Counselors etc.  What is important is not to see it as an act of confession but as a learning of your character

When I admitted to God, I admitted it to my creator, I prayed that what I had learnt may be of use to my fellow humans!

My creator wants me to be happy, joyous and free!  If I am full of resentment, guilt and fear, then it speaks for itself.  I could not be truly happy; maybe I was pretending to be happy in the past!  Always behind that, the fear of impending doom!

What I also learnt from my step 4 and step 5 was to write a gratitude list.  I had always been obsessed by what I did not have and what I wanted, never looked at what I had.

I had always been obsessed with people I resented, and never the people I liked!  I had always been obsessed with guilt, my badness, my self loathing.  Well, after step 5 I realized I was a human being.  The only person saying I was bad was me!  All I had to do was to be willing to make amends (no,it says willing!), I did not have to hurt the world, I had seen things in a different light, what it meant was; If I could go back, I would change the event.  I was willing!

All my needs have been met since I did my inventory.  I realized I was not happy running my business, so I stopped, it paid my taxes.  The problem was that I had brothers working for me.  To be happy, joyous and free meant I had to have courage and look at the long-term problems if I stayed in business.  Sure, I did not want to effect my brother’s finances, but I had to put myself first!  I had to remember “The man who asked a question feels a fool for twenty minutes.  The man who does not ask a question is a fool for the rest of his life”.  I felt guilty, what would my brothers think of me, but I prayed and realized that my intentions were not to harm them.  So, I had to be at ease with my intentions and not their reactions!  I stopped being a prisoner of people’s opinions.  I realized I was in an unhappy relationship and I had to do something about that.

I never wanted to hurt my partner when I left and I had to be comfortable with that, again.

INTENTIONS

Happy, joyous and free! Did not mean that I had to put up with the unbearable, it meant getting into a way of life, which was blameless.  Sure you might think that walking out of a relationship is cruel, but my intention was not to hurt.  I was sure that in my step 4, that I resented a women for finishing with me, after listing that resentment I realized she had the right to do what was best for her.  Just like I had the right to do what is best for me, again I state it was not my intention to harm!  After knowing how I hated that woman for finishing with me because I wanted to be liked, I stayed in an unhappy relationship, which lead to resentment and unhappiness.  A vicious circle!

Recommend this to a friend...click here

Books and Resources about the 12 steps and recovery, get 10% discount by following this link to Hazelden Bookstore...


Step One - Step Two - Step Three - Step Four - Step 5 - Step 6 - Step 7 - Step 8 - Step 9 - Step 10 - Step 11 - Step 12

Yours in fellowship Soldier Billy...

If you would like further information email me - soldierbilly@the12steps.com

The 12 steps, taken for: Alcoholics Anonymous - AA - Narcotics anonymous - NA - Gamblers Anonymous - GA - Emotions Anonymous - EA - Cocaine Anonymous - CA - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous - SALA - Sex Addicts Anonymous - SAA - Al-anon Pill Anonymous - Overeaters Anonymous - OA - Codependents Anonymous - CODA - Alateen - HIV Anonymous - The twelve step recovery program. The Twelve Steps - Doing the 12 steps of AA, NA, GA, OA, EA, CA, SALA, AL-ANON, CODA, SAA, CMA, HIV. Recovery, Online, Recovering, Addict, Addiction, Alcoholic, Chatroom, online meetings, Addicts, How to do the 12 steps of recovery, Help, 12 Steps rehabs. Fearless Moral Inventory, Character Defects, The Steps...