Soldier Billy

My name is Billy and I have suffered from alcoholism, drug addiction and mental health problems. I ended up insane.

I have had over forty admissions into alcohol, drug and mental health units; in short my life was agony.

A man came into my life and introduced me to the 12 steps, it would be nice to say that my life then became serene and full of joy, but no, I had to suffer more, (why?) because I did not change, I still wanted life on my terms, anger, resentment and fear dominated my life.

My rock bottom was not alcohol or drug induced - it was my problem with not being able to talk about myself or how I felt about my life which was full of repression. I bottled everything up and was a prisoner of peoples opinions, terrified of what people would think of me.

I ended up with obsessive intrusive thoughts which in short meant I lost my mind, I had no control of my mind, thoughts of violence would dominate my thinking. I wanted to die. I could not stand the pain any more but because I loved my sister I could not do it.

Panic attacks, chronic anxiety, and intrusive thoughts dominated my life, I wanted to die.

I was a soldier and trapped with a macho image, if people knew the thoughts in my head they would not come near me.

I had dabbled with the 12 steps but never had any faith in them. I wanted nothing to do with what I thought was religion.

Well I ended up insane and I lost my mind. A man called David b came to visit me at in the nuthouse! He had always been a man I trusted, a kind caring man who radiated serenity.

He had known me for many years and he came 200 miles to the nuthouse I was in and asked " do you want peace of mind", "yes" was my speedy reply, "are you willing to go to any lengths?", "I will stand on my head and have a union jack sticking out of my arse and I will whistle god save the queen!", " I do not want you to do any thing as simple as that, but I will take you through the steps if you want".

I would of tried anything and I mean anything with that pain in mind.

Thoughts echoed through from morning 'til night, the thoughts had the frequency of a train "you're going mad you're going insane, your going mad your going insane".

I was in a constant state of chronic anxiety madness shear madness!

Well I listened to David B I did what he suggested and my life started to get better how?